Sunday Morning Musings...

Sunday mornings usually start the same.  One of the two fuzzballs we share our house with ends up in bed with us.  Usually Barnes, waiting patiently for some signs of life that will indicate that soon his belly will be filled with stinky cat food goodness.  The person to usually rouse is me, seeing as how I cannot sleep with two huge green eyeballs staring intently at my face.  So I usually get up and out of bed, put on some comfy warm clothes and head downstairs.  I open the blinds and let the sunlight in and go into the kitchen to start coffee and open a can of cat food for Barnes and Noble.  After they are fed and I have procured a cup of coffee, its off to the couch to snuggle under a blanket, enjoy this first cup and watch VH1's Top 20 Countdown.  I love this, it opens me to new music as well as the songs that I love that are playing now.  This is how I found Mumford and Sons.  But that's off topic. 

I love these quiet mornings, when I can sit here and plan the week, think about dinner and worry.  I'm such a worrier.  Lately more than not.  I worry that I am in over my head and that treading water isn't something I'm going to be able to do forever.  I worry about the future and how we are going to get where we need to be.  I worry about how we are going to get my car fixed so that I won't be stuck here all the time. I worry that I'm pregnant, that I'm not pregnant.  I worry that my period will be late.  I worry that my period will show up on time and I'll have to deal with another month of waiting.  I worry that during all the party time that I had when my dad died, that I did something to my internal organs and maybe I won't be able to have a baby.  I worry that Chris isn't happy.  I worry about money.  I worry about the bills that need paid, the outstanding things we are still trying to clear up.  I worry about filing my taxes today and if that will go well.  I worry about our house situation and if we will be here all year or if we will be asked to leave again like happened in February when there was a fight between our landlords and we were the casualty.  I am so tired of worrying.  I wish I could quell my mind and my heart.  To know that eventually things will work out because they always do.  That I am smart enough, working hard enough, that physically and mentally everything is okay.  That I just need to have patience to get through this.  That time will heal all wounds.  That it will happen when its meant to happen.  I just have trouble waiting, trouble being patient, trouble not controlling things.

Over the past week I have just felt like I am on a roller coaster, things are going up and down.  One minute its all good, things are great and the next I'm feeling neglected and alone.  Between the change in routine with having to go into the office twice this week and Chris working until 2 a.m. to cover a shift, its been a lonely week with lots of time to ponder the things that eat at me during the day.  I let myself try to control everything in my life and life doesn't work that way.  Life controls you.  I just have to sit here and relax and let life happen.  I can handle almost anything, hell my past track record shows that.  In the 13 years that Chris and I have been together we have faced it all.  Death of a parent, drugs, addiction, DUI, fighting, drinking, having no money, unemployment and much more and yet here we are, still in love after all this time.  You can't control that.  And I can't control my life.  I'm just here for the ride.  I can do things to nudge it into the direction I want to go, but I can't force things.

Just a few more days and I know that at least one question in my heart and head will be answered.  Am I imagining symptoms because I want this so bad?  One reason I'm trying not to talk about it is because I'm so unsure, I was so sure before and now I question.  Trying to conceive can really mess with your head and give you introspections into your life and the fact that there are just some things you can't really control.  Five more days til AF is scheduled to show.  Will she? 

So this morning I sit here with my morning coffee, trying to quiet the voices in my head.  The impatient voices that scream that I am, that I'm not, that I will never be.  I will try to let life happen and realize that life itself is beautiful.  And that this is one thing I cannot control.