Sunday Morning Musings...

Sunday mornings usually start the same.  One of the two fuzzballs we share our house with ends up in bed with us.  Usually Barnes, waiting patiently for some signs of life that will indicate that soon his belly will be filled with stinky cat food goodness.  The person to usually rouse is me, seeing as how I cannot sleep with two huge green eyeballs staring intently at my face.  So I usually get up and out of bed, put on some comfy warm clothes and head downstairs.  I open the blinds and let the sunlight in and go into the kitchen to start coffee and open a can of cat food for Barnes and Noble.  After they are fed and I have procured a cup of coffee, its off to the couch to snuggle under a blanket, enjoy this first cup and watch VH1's Top 20 Countdown.  I love this, it opens me to new music as well as the songs that I love that are playing now.  This is how I found Mumford and Sons.  But that's off topic. 

I love these quiet mornings, when I can sit here and plan the week, think about dinner and worry.  I'm such a worrier.  Lately more than not.  I worry that I am in over my head and that treading water isn't something I'm going to be able to do forever.  I worry about the future and how we are going to get where we need to be.  I worry about how we are going to get my car fixed so that I won't be stuck here all the time. I worry that I'm pregnant, that I'm not pregnant.  I worry that my period will be late.  I worry that my period will show up on time and I'll have to deal with another month of waiting.  I worry that during all the party time that I had when my dad died, that I did something to my internal organs and maybe I won't be able to have a baby.  I worry that Chris isn't happy.  I worry about money.  I worry about the bills that need paid, the outstanding things we are still trying to clear up.  I worry about filing my taxes today and if that will go well.  I worry about our house situation and if we will be here all year or if we will be asked to leave again like happened in February when there was a fight between our landlords and we were the casualty.  I am so tired of worrying.  I wish I could quell my mind and my heart.  To know that eventually things will work out because they always do.  That I am smart enough, working hard enough, that physically and mentally everything is okay.  That I just need to have patience to get through this.  That time will heal all wounds.  That it will happen when its meant to happen.  I just have trouble waiting, trouble being patient, trouble not controlling things.

Over the past week I have just felt like I am on a roller coaster, things are going up and down.  One minute its all good, things are great and the next I'm feeling neglected and alone.  Between the change in routine with having to go into the office twice this week and Chris working until 2 a.m. to cover a shift, its been a lonely week with lots of time to ponder the things that eat at me during the day.  I let myself try to control everything in my life and life doesn't work that way.  Life controls you.  I just have to sit here and relax and let life happen.  I can handle almost anything, hell my past track record shows that.  In the 13 years that Chris and I have been together we have faced it all.  Death of a parent, drugs, addiction, DUI, fighting, drinking, having no money, unemployment and much more and yet here we are, still in love after all this time.  You can't control that.  And I can't control my life.  I'm just here for the ride.  I can do things to nudge it into the direction I want to go, but I can't force things.

Just a few more days and I know that at least one question in my heart and head will be answered.  Am I imagining symptoms because I want this so bad?  One reason I'm trying not to talk about it is because I'm so unsure, I was so sure before and now I question.  Trying to conceive can really mess with your head and give you introspections into your life and the fact that there are just some things you can't really control.  Five more days til AF is scheduled to show.  Will she? 

So this morning I sit here with my morning coffee, trying to quiet the voices in my head.  The impatient voices that scream that I am, that I'm not, that I will never be.  I will try to let life happen and realize that life itself is beautiful.  And that this is one thing I cannot control. 

I know I shouldn't complain...

I know that I shouldn't complain, that things could be SO MUCH WORSE but I'm feeling kinda blah today and I want to complain.  Its been raining HARD all day long, that cold rain that soaks you all the way to the bone?  Ya that.  I hate that kind of weather.  Add into that the whole TTC saga, in which I am  now four dpo and not feeling anything and I think my shit is broke.  My friends thought about getting pregnant and poof, they are.  But I'm trying not to worry or stress or anything (AHHAHHAHAH).

Then we have the fact that now Hubs has a job.  Please don't get me wrong, I am not complaining that he has a job.  AT ALL.  Having two paychecks again is an amazing thing.  And I love that he is out and doing his own thing again.  I just miss him I guess.  He is working a 2 to 10 shift at a place that is so close that he can come home on lunch but I feel like I don't see him at all.  I feel like our conversation is strained lately, that we are looking for things to discuss.  He doesn't want to talk about babies and that is all I seem to be about lately.  I think its amazing that he's working and that he is so close but we went from spending all day every day together to passing each other as he comes in the door and I get ready to head to bed.  Brief conversations, synopsis of the day, kind words, I love yous, but I just miss US.  I'm not saying that I want him to not work, believe me being the breadwinner was kinda hard while we cleared up some financial circumstances and we can use both paychecks.  But I just miss having time with him, relaxing and watching TV together.  Not force feeding him something for dinner at 10:30 because I cooked.  Even the weekends recently have been busy, with me running here for my family or him doing this for his. 

Its probably all in my head or at least according to him it will be.  :)  I am gonna put more effort into to and see, maybe spend one day together this weekend.  Now if i can only figure out how to change my one track mind....

I have to go back into the office tomorrow, which means I will be out of the pajamas for TWO days in a row.  UGH.  This also means I won't be in the basement and will not be able to sneak up for morning kisses or just to BS about what interoffice politics are going on now.  Which means bed early tonight, which means the circle continues...

I know that we also have plans this weekend or at least Hubs does.  He is going to see the indoor football team with his brother and dad on Saturday night.  I received an email from my MIL the other day addressed to both me and my SIL asking what we had planned.  Oh boy....

Partytime Saturday

Saturday was a pretty eventful day in our household.  I had a party to go to for one of my best friends, C for her little girl.  L is turning 3 and she was having an Ariel birthday party.  I packed up littler sister (M) and my niece, the Princess and off we went to the party.  It was a great time, Princess could run around while M and myself all sat and talked with my other friend J.  J, C and I have all been friends since kindergarden and while we never had the best of friendships, we were always inseperatable.  Since I'm the oldest of four, C has a younger brother and J is an only child, we had a whole range in our friendship.  It would usually end up with two of the three of us teamed up on the other.  But times have changed and people have grown and gotten older.  We have lived life, traveled the bumpy road that is being an adult.  These two girls have been with me during the best and the worst of times.  C was there while my dad was sick with lung cancer and we were actually lucky enough to have her mom as my dad's hospice nurse.   That made the whole thing a bit more comforting.  Even though I don't talk to these girls on a daily basis and life sometimes gets too busy for us to all get together, we are still the best of friends.  I can pick up the phone and call either one of these girls and complain, bitch, whine and we can pick up just where we left off the last time we talked.  Friends like these come around once in a lifetime, and I was lucky enough to get two of them.

Its all family drama

So it looks like my mom will be heading to Vegas towards the middle of the month.  My dad's mother, my grandmother is sick.  I'm not really upset about this as we have had a tumulus relationship with my dad's parents for quite a while.  My dad passed away seven years ago from lung cancer and there were many issues that happened prior to my dad getting sick that lead to the way that I feel about my grandmother but those aren't really important right now.  The fact that when my dad died, that his own mother couldn't come out to the funeral, coupled with the fact that two months after my dad died, my grandparents were here in Pittsburgh.  My sisters and I all wear necklaces given to us by my father, and my sister M wears my dad's necklace.  We were at Eat 'n Park eating with my grandparents and my grandma comments on the necklace my sister M had on.  "Where did you get that necklace?"  M replied "It's my dad's".  "Well that should have went to me.  M, leave it to me IN YOUR WILL when you die".  What a terrible thing to say.  There were other incidents that have me with no respect for the lady at this point in my life.  I feel bad about it, I really do but she should know right from wrong by now. 

My mom hasn't seen a doctor in over 7 years at least.  She has issues with her legs swelling, terrible heartburn and the idea of sending her on a plane to see this lady makes me nervous and scared.  Plus seeing my uncle is so bittersweet.  SO bittersweet.  He resembles my dad and is the closest thing we will ever have to him ever again.  Sigh.  I just hope my mom can handle all of this. 

I miss writing

I miss being able to stream out thoughts that are going through my head to a safe place.  So I have decided that even with this blog being protected, I will use it as my outlet and maybe on day I’ll make it public again.
So many things going on lately.  Had what we thought was a positive pregnancy finally only to start a week later.  I need to relax and take a deep breath and realize that no matter how hard I will this to happen, it will happen when it is mean to happen and there is nothing I can do about it.  I don’t know if I imagined all the symptoms or if maybe I was and then I wasn’t anymore.  All I know is that this is harder than I ever thought it would be and I have a hard time with anything I cannot control and ooo boy, I cannot control this.  All I can do is make the best of it.
That being said, I got a positive O test today and luckily have been getting it on with Hubs over the past few days.  Its crazy to think that I used to swat his hands away and now when I ask, he’s all “do I have to?”.  Not really, but its taken the “excitement” out of it since I tell him which days are most important.  Oh well, he’ll get back to doing it for “fun” one day soon
In other crazy family news, got a call from my Mom last night that my grandmother isn’t doing well.  She’s had some health problems recently and it looks like she’s taking a turn for the worse.  And I don’t feel either way about it.  I have no respect for the lady at all, which I feel bad about but I didn’t make it this way.  She did.  I’ll write more on that later.  But Mom wants to go to Vegas.  This is hard for us as its far and we aren’t keen on letting mom out of our sights let alone having her travel 3000 miles.  I hope she is doing this for the right reasons and everything works out but I just have a bad feeling about this.  Sigh.  Happy positive thoughts and baby dust welcomed and appreciated.